Saturday, August 25, 2012

God Awful: How To Choose Your New Minister From The Bible


If you had decided to pick your new minister from the Bible, who would you choose?
ADAM: 
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.
JESUS: 
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.
NOAH: 
Prone to unrealistic building projects.
JOSEPH: 
A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.
MOSES: 
A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.
JOB: 
Complains a lot.
DAVID: 
The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbor's wife. His kids are out of control.
SOLOMON: 
Great preacher but too many wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.
ELIJAH: 
Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.
SAMSON: 
Hair is way too long. Would probably collapse if it was cut.
JONAH: 
Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way.
JOHN: 
Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is 
known to lose his head on occasion.
PETER: 
Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.
PAUL: 
Powerful CEO-type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry. 
TIMOTHY: 
Too young.
METHUSELAH: 
Too old. WAY too old.
LUCIFER: Definitely his own man. Doesn't take orders easily. Ready to fight at the drop of a hat. Rebellious, self-righteous, determined. (Maybe...)
JUDAS: 
Good government references. Knows how to handle money. Knows what’s secretly going on among the people. Now he’s a possibility.